why?

yesterday i found out a that a friend that i've grown up with since kindergarten, committed suicide. my heart is broken. the pain is all too real. this wasn't the guy that i knew. he was funny, smart, polite and easy going. i guess he was just tried of the struggle and made a bad decision...unfortunately, this one is permanent.

there are some days when i wake up and dont feel like moving on. but i get through these times b/c i know there is something better; my heart has hope of redemption. in will's case, he didn't have that hope. after struggling so long, i cant even begin to imagine what he must have been going through. the torment. the pain. the struggle.

sometimes i just have to ask why? i know that ill never really know what happened and what was going through his mind but i do know that Christ loved him through it all. i know that he saw past the mistakes will was making and loved him unconditionally.

its like theres this dark veil covering my face from reality. i dont understand how people can willingly and purposefully reject the only one who truly loves them. i'm not sure of whats next, but i do know that even going through this dark time, He will rescue me and give me comfort.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:17-18

just some thoughts

i know that getting out of your comfort zone can usually be a great thing, but nothing feels better when you're home and where you belong.

oh college life. how i love it and hate it at the same time.
ive never felt so welcome and be so lonely, so happy yet cry more than ever, extremely comfortable but still always on edge, so indepenedent and freeing but feeling so alone and scared.

well. college is a blessing. especially the naz. as dr. evil would say, it completes me =)

yea. college is stressful, exciting, lonely, fun, challenging and unpredictable. yet i wouldn't trade it for the world.

oh life! =)

Psalm 62:5-8

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be
shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on
God;
he is my might rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

this is my prayer; that i may pour all of my faith and trust into the solid and mighty one on which I stand and to never hesitate on seeking him first. without christ, i am nothing. he IS my mighty rock and my wonderful refuge.

Lord, increase my faith.

Song For The Broken

I am the comfortable secure
The definition of this western world
And I have perfected deceit
Even I believe I'm above saving
I'll never let You see

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

It takes me falling to the ground
To admit to fully needing You
Then when I am breathing my last breath
"Come and save me" I will cry to You
'Cause pride has not let me say

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

Why does is take so much to bring me to my knees?
Why does it take so much pain for me to see?
If strength is only found when I am on my knees,
Why is it so hard to show that I am weak?

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

-Song For The Broken by BarlowGirl

i'm amazed at how much God has started to move in my life.
i pray for an increase of my faith and to be poured out as an offering and as a result, each new day, my eyes are opened to how astounding His love and compassion for me really is.
something is moving.
something is changing.
someone is being molded....me.
sometimes it amazes me at how shut off from Him i was and how, for lack of better term, dumb i was to not take advantage of the gift He has given me.
why wouldn't i want to worship?
why wouldn't i want to praise him through the storm?
people can hurt my body, take my pride, humiliate me.
i can suffer and experience pain.
but NOTHING can touch my soul.
NOTHING can take away the love that Christ has poured out for me.
i refuse to conform.
i refuse to let people decide who i am.
i am a beloved and beautiful daughter in Christ and it is soley through Him that i live
praise God for His mercy and abounding love!!

James 1:12

im lost. im broken. im helpless and tired.
im disappointed. im confused. im just at a loss for words.
i try and do the right thing. i confess. i plead. i sob.
yet i feel worthless and ashamed.
ive done all i can. i know im forgiven is His eyes.
but can i forgive myself?
can others forgive?
why do i feel so terrible?
i cant stop thinking.
i cant stop worrying.
that's me, a worrier.
i messed up. i understand the consequences.
but i dont know where to turn. i dont know what to do.
James 1:12 is what i'm holding onto.
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
trials and tribulations...suck.
but its through these times i refuse to turn to anyone else besides my Abba.
i need Jesus to hold on extra tight.
patience, as the old saying goes, is a virtue.
i will trust in Him.
He is my strength.
He is my hope.
He is my Savior.
Lord increase my faith.
help me to find strength in weakness.
if God is for me, then who can bring me down?