an awakening

so its here. finally. i created a blog. but along with this, comes sooo many...responsibilities? i've got this problem with being vulnerable. i avoid it at all costs; constantly shutting myself away into whats comfortable. never changing, never growing, avoiding pain and putting on the "happy face" because i never go through hard times and experience emotions....right? WRONG. so here it is; the place where i let go of everything and be completely honest and say what's on my heart.

the song that has be written on my heart is the song Embracing Accusations by Shane and Shane. at first i heard the words but i never really listened. it's incredible how much you can "hear" something and not be listening; to shut out the real meaning and choose what you see and hear and refuse to believe what is true. satan lies. he deceives. he manipulates and for a long time, i believed what he had told me. the past few weeks, God has really taught me what it is to listen. over the years, i had sculpted and formed my own ideas of how to live my life. it's always been about me. and im sick of it. it's almost as if God gave me a wake up call by slapping me in the face.

for the first time, i've experienced pain. real pain. i've experienced brokenness and this deep longing to be loved-this love that cannot be quenched by anyone except by one. i know the truth, i see it, hear it, and even tell all about it. but do i honestly and whole heartedly KNOW it and ACCEPT it? things are changing...i am changing. we have the chance to be molded everyday into what pleases Him and what God calls to be good. am i strong enough to accept the challenge? the answer is no. im not. and until recently, that's where i would have stopped. instead of looking towards Christ and leaning on him, id quit.

God has started to open my eyes. i see things, people, the world...myself differently. i am beautiful. i am perfectly made. i have worth. but do i believe it? God is revealing things to me that i've never seen or experienced before. can i really make a difference? can i really live the life i was called to? so many temptations, so many obstacles. but to think...He was there. He understands. He knows what it feels like. He knows my heart and He hears my every cry.

i am broken. i am vulnerable. i am unworthy. but through these things i can be used for Him and for His glory. God is moving. He is alive. He is wanting. am i ready to be used? it's not about the feelings. it's time to stop thinking, quit questioning and be completely silent and still and know that HE is LORD.

--the devil is singing over me an age old song
--that i am cursed and gone astray
--singing the first verse so conveniently over me
--he's forgotten the refrain
--JESUS SAVES!