well crap

i get to the point where i finally think that im okay.
im okay right?
wrong.
death is sooo prevalent this year.
i cant get away from it.
first kelley. then will. now my aunt.
why is this happening?
my heart is repeatedly getting shattered.
i feel like i cant take one more bad thing happening.
and may 31 is coming up. which means 2 years since i've lost jered.
im almost 19 but im still a kid.
i cant handle this.
i know that im not alone.
i know that i am ridiculously loved by my heavenly father.
we weren't meant to feel this pain.
we were made as holy beings.
to feel and be loved.
this year ive been broken.
more than ever.
its molding me into who im supposed to become.
it is going to allow me to help more people
and reach out to those who are lost.
i just dont like the process.
death is a nasty thing.
having someone taken away from you is the worst thing in the world.
yet all this pain makes me appreciate the ones i still have
and to cherish the life im living.
i have to stay positive.
everything in life has a purpose.
my God is a God of love.
He keeps his promises and will never let me down.
If God is for me, then who can be against me?

two words some it all up...

oh life!

beauty

beauty.
we're all full of it but do we really see it?
beauty in our brokenness is the most beautiful.
this whole thing im enduring is beautiful.
its let me see how much i really need to depend on Christ.
his sacrifice more than enough but he did it for us. for me.
i am no where near worthy.
he endured the pain so we wouldn't have to.
to me, that is pure beauty.
i am so thankful for great friends and an even greater God.
beautiful.

hjakdghaigajgadar

today i woke up and wanted to do nothing but lay in my bed forever.
ever have one of those days?
its weird how on some days i'm okay and then the next i feel so horrible.
i know its normal, i just dont like it.
people i've talked to say that the road im on is a long one, and the healing takes a long time.
but i dont want it to take time. i want it done now.
is that selfish?
im just tired of the pain, tired of crying and tired of being so down all the time.
i dont understand life and i never will.
but is it wrong to want answers?
my world has completely stopped but everyone around me keeps on going.
how can people forget how much im hurting?
it's not their faults, but it makes things harder.
i know that shutting myself from the world isn't going to help but its almost like i'm not doing it on purpose.
i already feel so alone.
its like im lost in this huge maze with no one around and im screaming for help but no one can hear me. either that or they can hear me but cant help or try and help me but im just too exhausted to do it.
klahdgjfhaj'ldgha[oughab'hagudga'o
thats how i feel right now; a scrambled and jumbled up mess.
all i can say is...
i'm ready for spring break.

Hold on to Jesus

Hold on to Jesus, and cling to his love
Rest deep in his mercy, whenever things get rough
And don't lose sight of his goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth,
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holdin onto you.

why?

yesterday i found out a that a friend that i've grown up with since kindergarten, committed suicide. my heart is broken. the pain is all too real. this wasn't the guy that i knew. he was funny, smart, polite and easy going. i guess he was just tried of the struggle and made a bad decision...unfortunately, this one is permanent.

there are some days when i wake up and dont feel like moving on. but i get through these times b/c i know there is something better; my heart has hope of redemption. in will's case, he didn't have that hope. after struggling so long, i cant even begin to imagine what he must have been going through. the torment. the pain. the struggle.

sometimes i just have to ask why? i know that ill never really know what happened and what was going through his mind but i do know that Christ loved him through it all. i know that he saw past the mistakes will was making and loved him unconditionally.

its like theres this dark veil covering my face from reality. i dont understand how people can willingly and purposefully reject the only one who truly loves them. i'm not sure of whats next, but i do know that even going through this dark time, He will rescue me and give me comfort.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:17-18

just some thoughts

i know that getting out of your comfort zone can usually be a great thing, but nothing feels better when you're home and where you belong.

oh college life. how i love it and hate it at the same time.
ive never felt so welcome and be so lonely, so happy yet cry more than ever, extremely comfortable but still always on edge, so indepenedent and freeing but feeling so alone and scared.

well. college is a blessing. especially the naz. as dr. evil would say, it completes me =)

yea. college is stressful, exciting, lonely, fun, challenging and unpredictable. yet i wouldn't trade it for the world.

oh life! =)

Psalm 62:5-8

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be
shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on
God;
he is my might rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

this is my prayer; that i may pour all of my faith and trust into the solid and mighty one on which I stand and to never hesitate on seeking him first. without christ, i am nothing. he IS my mighty rock and my wonderful refuge.

Lord, increase my faith.