The Real Me

summer months

2008-08-21T17:43:00.002-04:00

well its been a while. a long while at that.
the past few months have been crazy.
but not busy crazy.
more like "insanely difficult/an emotional roller coaster ride".
this summer...
well lets put it this way
my faith has never been tested so hard.
ive stumbled.
ive fallen.
and ive failed.
sometimes i wonder how jesus could possibly want me.
but through all of this ive learned that his grace is enough for me.
ive been blessed with an amazing family and some really great friends.
i get my 3 meals a day, i live in a nice place and i have a warm bed to sleep in.
i know that what ive been through will do nothing but shape the person christ wants me to be.
sometimes its insanely difficult and i feel like giving up
but i know that theres a purpose to these trials.
often i wonder if social work is the right path for me.
am i just following in my mom and sisters footsteps because i wanna be like them?
or is this my true calling?
and it has been over these past few months that ive received my answer.
i was made to reach out and help those people who cant help themselves.
i was created to be that person that just loves on people for who they are.
am i humble enough to walk with the people who others are ashamed to be around?
can i really make a difference?
often i pray for god to increase my faith
and holy crap has it been hard.
i know that life is constantly going to have ups and downs
and life will always be difficult
but with jesus, i can overcome.
i dont just want to survive, i want to live
the words of starfields song Everything is Beautiful come to mind..

"Everything is beautiful.
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me"

all this may seem like a huge jumbled up mess
i guess that the brokenness ive experienced has brought true beauty to my eyes.
its okay not to have the answers
and its okay not knowing whats to come.
i just have to believe that everything will be okay.
and i KNOW it will be.
with my jesus anything is possible.

well crap

2008-05-11T15:35:00.003-04:00

i get to the point where i finally think that im okay.
im okay right?
wrong.
death is sooo prevalent this year.
i cant get away from it.
first kelley. then will. now my aunt.
why is this happening?
my heart is repeatedly getting shattered.
i feel like i cant take one more bad thing happening.
and may 31 is coming up. which means 2 years since i've lost jered.
im almost 19 but im still a kid.
i cant handle this.
i know that im not alone.
i know that i am ridiculously loved by my heavenly father.
we weren't meant to feel this pain.
we were made as holy beings.
to feel and be loved.
this year ive been broken.
more than ever.
its molding me into who im supposed to become.
it is going to allow me to help more people
and reach out to those who are lost.
i just dont like the process.
death is a nasty thing.
having someone taken away from you is the worst thing in the world.
yet all this pain makes me appreciate the ones i still have
and to cherish the life im living.
i have to stay positive.
everything in life has a purpose.
my God is a God of love.
He keeps his promises and will never let me down.
If God is for me, then who can be against me?

two words some it all up...

oh life!

beauty

2008-03-13T19:12:00.002-04:00

beauty.
we're all full of it but do we really see it?
beauty in our brokenness is the most beautiful.
this whole thing im enduring is beautiful.
its let me see how much i really need to depend on Christ.
his sacrifice more than enough but he did it for us. for me.
i am no where near worthy.
he endured the pain so we wouldn't have to.
to me, that is pure beauty.
i am so thankful for great friends and an even greater God.
beautiful.

hjakdghaigajgadar

2008-03-09T13:06:00.003-04:00

today i woke up and wanted to do nothing but lay in my bed forever.
ever have one of those days?
its weird how on some days i'm okay and then the next i feel so horrible.
i know its normal, i just dont like it.
people i've talked to say that the road im on is a long one, and the healing takes a long time.
but i dont want it to take time. i want it done now.
is that selfish?
im just tired of the pain, tired of crying and tired of being so down all the time.
i dont understand life and i never will.
but is it wrong to want answers?
my world has completely stopped but everyone around me keeps on going.
how can people forget how much im hurting?
it's not their faults, but it makes things harder.
i know that shutting myself from the world isn't going to help but its almost like i'm not doing it on purpose.
i already feel so alone.
its like im lost in this huge maze with no one around and im screaming for help but no one can hear me. either that or they can hear me but cant help or try and help me but im just too exhausted to do it.
klahdgjfhaj'ldgha[oughab'hagudga'o
thats how i feel right now; a scrambled and jumbled up mess.
all i can say is...
i'm ready for spring break.

Hold on to Jesus

2008-03-04T15:00:00.002-05:00

Hold on to Jesus, and cling to his love
Rest deep in his mercy, whenever things get rough
And don't lose sight of his goodness
And don't ever doubt this truth,
That when you hold on to Jesus
He's holdin onto you.

why?

2008-02-29T11:39:00.004-05:00

yesterday i found out a that a friend that i've grown up with since kindergarten, committed suicide. my heart is broken. the pain is all too real. this wasn't the guy that i knew. he was funny, smart, polite and easy going. i guess he was just tried of the struggle and made a bad decision...unfortunately, this one is permanent.

there are some days when i wake up and dont feel like moving on. but i get through these times b/c i know there is something better; my heart has hope of redemption. in will's case, he didn't have that hope. after struggling so long, i cant even begin to imagine what he must have been going through. the torment. the pain. the struggle.

sometimes i just have to ask why? i know that ill never really know what happened and what was going through his mind but i do know that Christ loved him through it all. i know that he saw past the mistakes will was making and loved him unconditionally.

its like theres this dark veil covering my face from reality. i dont understand how people can willingly and purposefully reject the only one who truly loves them. i'm not sure of whats next, but i do know that even going through this dark time, He will rescue me and give me comfort.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:17-18

just some thoughts

2008-02-22T23:28:00.002-05:00

i know that getting out of your comfort zone can usually be a great thing, but nothing feels better when you're home and where you belong.

oh college life. how i love it and hate it at the same time.
ive never felt so welcome and be so lonely, so happy yet cry more than ever, extremely comfortable but still always on edge, so indepenedent and freeing but feeling so alone and scared.

well. college is a blessing. especially the naz. as dr. evil would say, it completes me =)

yea. college is stressful, exciting, lonely, fun, challenging and unpredictable. yet i wouldn't trade it for the world.

oh life! =)

Psalm 62:5-8

2008-02-13T22:06:00.005-05:00

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be
shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on
God;
he is my might rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

this is my prayer; that i may pour all of my faith and trust into the solid and mighty one on which I stand and to never hesitate on seeking him first. without christ, i am nothing. he IS my mighty rock and my wonderful refuge.

Lord, increase my faith.

Song For The Broken

2008-02-08T12:18:00.000-05:00

I am the comfortable secure
The definition of this western world
And I have perfected deceit
Even I believe I'm above saving
I'll never let You see

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

It takes me falling to the ground
To admit to fully needing You
Then when I am breathing my last breath
"Come and save me" I will cry to You
'Cause pride has not let me say

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

Why does is take so much to bring me to my knees?
Why does it take so much pain for me to see?
If strength is only found when I am on my knees,
Why is it so hard to show that I am weak?

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

-Song For The Broken by BarlowGirl

2008-02-06T12:18:00.000-05:00

i'm amazed at how much God has started to move in my life.
i pray for an increase of my faith and to be poured out as an offering and as a result, each new day, my eyes are opened to how astounding His love and compassion for me really is.
something is moving.
something is changing.
someone is being molded....me.
sometimes it amazes me at how shut off from Him i was and how, for lack of better term, dumb i was to not take advantage of the gift He has given me.
why wouldn't i want to worship?
why wouldn't i want to praise him through the storm?
people can hurt my body, take my pride, humiliate me.
i can suffer and experience pain.
but NOTHING can touch my soul.
NOTHING can take away the love that Christ has poured out for me.
i refuse to conform.
i refuse to let people decide who i am.
i am a beloved and beautiful daughter in Christ and it is soley through Him that i live
praise God for His mercy and abounding love!!

James 1:12

2008-02-02T10:19:00.000-05:00

im lost. im broken. im helpless and tired.
im disappointed. im confused. im just at a loss for words.
i try and do the right thing. i confess. i plead. i sob.
yet i feel worthless and ashamed.
ive done all i can. i know im forgiven is His eyes.
but can i forgive myself?
can others forgive?
why do i feel so terrible?
i cant stop thinking.
i cant stop worrying.
that's me, a worrier.
i messed up. i understand the consequences.
but i dont know where to turn. i dont know what to do.
James 1:12 is what i'm holding onto.
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
trials and tribulations...suck.
but its through these times i refuse to turn to anyone else besides my Abba.
i need Jesus to hold on extra tight.
patience, as the old saying goes, is a virtue.
i will trust in Him.
He is my strength.
He is my hope.
He is my Savior.
Lord increase my faith.
help me to find strength in weakness.
if God is for me, then who can bring me down?

I Believe in Love

2008-01-31T15:09:00.000-05:00

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt, I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my story's ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the One who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

When I am weak, then I am strong.

2008-01-29T14:12:00.000-05:00

something hit me today. every time i choose my own way of living, i not only disappoint my heavenly father but it hurts him as well. our lives shouldn't be lead out of fear of what will happen to us if we disobey or, by the want to end up in heaven after we die. our lives should be lead to live to do nothing except please Him. it should be an honor to take on the persecution of the world in the name of Jesus.

this was the my devotion yesterday and i read it again today because it really hit me hard.

Are you determined to have your own way in living for God? We will never be free from this trap until we are brought into the experience of the baptism of "the Holy Spirit and fire" (Matthew 3:11). Stubbornness and self-will will always stab Jesus Christ. It may hurt no one else, but it wounds His spirit. Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set on our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus. Every time we stand on our own rights and insist that this is what we intend to do, we are persecuting Him. Whenever we rely on self-respect, we systematically disturb and grieve His Spirit. And when we finally understand that it is Jesus we have been persecuting all this time, it is the most crushing revelation ever.

Is the Word of God tremendously penetrating and sharp in me as I hand it on to you, or does my life betray the things I profess to teach? I may teach sanctification and yet exhibit the spirit of Satan, the very spirit that persecutes Jesus Christ. The spirit of Jesus is conscious of only one thing--a perfect oneness with the Father. And He tells us, "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:29). All I do should be based on a perfect oneness with Him, not on a self-willed determination to be godly. This will mean that others may use me, go around me, or completely ignore me, but if I will submit to it for His sake, I will prevent Jesus Christ from being persecuted.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

an awakening

2008-01-26T16:13:00.001-05:00

so its here. finally. i created a blog. but along with this, comes sooo many...responsibilities? i've got this problem with being vulnerable. i avoid it at all costs; constantly shutting myself away into whats comfortable. never changing, never growing, avoiding pain and putting on the "happy face" because i never go through hard times and experience emotions....right? WRONG. so here it is; the place where i let go of everything and be completely honest and say what's on my heart.

the song that has be written on my heart is the song Embracing Accusations by Shane and Shane. at first i heard the words but i never really listened. it's incredible how much you can "hear" something and not be listening; to shut out the real meaning and choose what you see and hear and refuse to believe what is true. satan lies. he deceives. he manipulates and for a long time, i believed what he had told me. the past few weeks, God has really taught me what it is to listen. over the years, i had sculpted and formed my own ideas of how to live my life. it's always been about me. and im sick of it. it's almost as if God gave me a wake up call by slapping me in the face.

for the first time, i've experienced pain. real pain. i've experienced brokenness and this deep longing to be loved-this love that cannot be quenched by anyone except by one. i know the truth, i see it, hear it, and even tell all about it. but do i honestly and whole heartedly KNOW it and ACCEPT it? things are changing...i am changing. we have the chance to be molded everyday into what pleases Him and what God calls to be good. am i strong enough to accept the challenge? the answer is no. im not. and until recently, that's where i would have stopped. instead of looking towards Christ and leaning on him, id quit.

God has started to open my eyes. i see things, people, the world...myself differently. i am beautiful. i am perfectly made. i have worth. but do i believe it? God is revealing things to me that i've never seen or experienced before. can i really make a difference? can i really live the life i was called to? so many temptations, so many obstacles. but to think...He was there. He understands. He knows what it feels like. He knows my heart and He hears my every cry.

i am broken. i am vulnerable. i am unworthy. but through these things i can be used for Him and for His glory. God is moving. He is alive. He is wanting. am i ready to be used? it's not about the feelings. it's time to stop thinking, quit questioning and be completely silent and still and know that HE is LORD.

--the devil is singing over me an age old song
--that i am cursed and gone astray
--singing the first verse so conveniently over me
--he's forgotten the refrain
--JESUS SAVES!